It’s that time of year again. The leaves are falling, the temperature dropping and little monsters are going from place to place looking for their favourite treats. Kids? No I am talking about pumpkin spice lovers.
These beings of horrible taste have convinced baristas and chefs around North America that pumpkin spice is an acceptable flavour.
I am here to tell you all the reasons why pumpkin spice is awful.
I mean, if you are desperate for pie spice to be in so many things, why not apple spice?!
So in lieu of a recipe this week, I offer you this pumpkin spice hit piece.
*Editor’s Note: The following does not represent the opinions of yegcider and are solely the opinions of Caleb Rhyason. The stated “facts” below may not be actual facts, and may have been made up entirely. This post has not been fact checked.
The Beginings of Pumpkin Spice
The pumpkin spice latte has been infecting the populace for 14 years now. Why the U.N. or some other organization hasn’t stepped in and tried to stop this humanitarian crisis is beyond me. The pumpkin spice latte has become so extremely over hyped that some believe that fall starts with its annual release. Well let me tell you, the sun does not obey your pumpkin spice rules. As student of history, the spreading of pumpkin spice reminds me of the migration of the Black Death. Escaping its Seattle origins, spreading through the population, and infecting other foods.
I refuse to accept it so I shall be a Milan in a sea of death.
Obviously pumpkin spice began with pumpkin pie. Most people love pumpkin pie, but lets be honest, the love is for whipped cream. Pumpkin pie is nothing more than a transport vessel for whipped cream. You can’t eat whipped cream by itself unless you are alone and have the curtains drawn; people will think you are insane.
Conversely, what kind of maniac would eat pumpkin pie by itself? Apple pie, yes! Don’t get me wrong, apple pie is amazing with ice cream, but could you eat it without? Yes! If you don’t have whipped cream for pumpkin pie, all you have is a dirty pie pan.
Does Anybody Even like Pumpkin Spice?
People seem to be taken in by the marketing and limited availability of this horrendous flavour. Research by NPD Group found that 72% of people who purchase a pumpkin spice latte only buy one.
What does this mean?
In my expert, fair and balanced view, it means that 72% of people bought a pumpkin spice latte because they were suckered in by marketing, social media, and the allure of limited availability. Once those 72% of people bought their one latte, I guarantee that they thought “Why the hell did I do that… that was just terrible!”
20% of customers bought a latte twice. I assume that these people are either suffering from amnesia or are using the latte for some sort of torture to extract information.
Shockingly, 8% made 3 or more purchases. There is no excuse for that. Sometimes people are just beyond help.
Pumpkin Spice vs Apple Spice
Obviously apple spice is better and everyone here should agree. I mean, you are on a blog about apples on a website about cider. If you disagree, feel free to head on over to this pumpkin spice site.
Some people might be asking, what is the difference between apple spice and pumpkin spice. Apple spice is cinnamon, nutmeg, cardamom, and all spice where as pumpkin spice is cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and cloves. That’s right cloves! As in clove cigarettes. Am I suggesting that big tobacco is involved in a giant conspiracy to get everyone to like pumpkin spice, and cloves, then get everyone addicted to clove cigarettes and usher in a new era of smoking?!?! Yes. Yes, I am.
Infection of Other Foods
Probably the worst crime committed by pumpkin spice zombies is forcing their horrendous flavour choices on foods other then lattes. Have you ever accidentally bought something that was pumpkin spice flavoured? I did, and I’ll tell you, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to live anymore. I mean look at this:
What have we done to deserve this pure evil? It doesn’t stop there. This disease has spread throughout our foods faster than the mongol hordes on the plains of Russia. It is in our cereal, cookies, chocolate, alcohol, and even protein powder. Buzzfeed has made a list of 65 foods that have been spiced. (They say these foods have no business being pumpkin spice flavoured, but NO FOOD HAS BUSINESS BEING PUMPKIN SPICED OTHER THAN PUMPKIN PIE!)
I lost all faith in humanity as I scrolled through that list.
It’s Time to Fight Back
For far too long, this menace has been allowed to range free. This is a call to action for all sane people.
Do not fall for this marketing ploy. Be kind to your taste buds.
I would suggest to my readers that they toss any pumpkin spice they have into the nearest body of water, yet I fear this would either cause the banks of rivers and lakes to be lined with pumpkin spice zombies drowning themselves attempting to filter every ounce of spice they can, or lead to our aquatic friends evolving ugg boots, walking on land and finding the nearest Starbucks.
Instead, ignore it and eventually it will be destroyed.
Want recipes that will never have pumpkin spice in them? Check out The Sober Apple.